I apologise for those who read this in advance – here is my warning to you now, I am still blogging about death, mourning and grief – if you do not wish to read my thoughts and feelings, stop reading now and close this page.

I know it’s been sixteen days, two hours and some minutes when I started writing this blog post and already it seems like a lifetime. We still haven’t been able to say goodbye to my Mum and we still have twelve days to wait.

“Death, like so much in life, is a lesson, which must be understood and cherished, not feared; it is a rite of passage we all must encounter at one time or another; it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.” 
― Imania MargriaSecrets of My Heart

I keep searching for things that makes sense and helps me to quantify how I’m feeling and why I need to do what I’m doing. The quote above, I found online through searching for quotes about death and losing a parent. It really does seem like a lesson, I know people have been saying things along the lines of “Oh, she’d been ill for a long time” – No, she wasn’t ill … she was fighting, the WHOLE, entire time; even until the very last days she was with us. Cancer slowly and painfully drained my Mum of every last ounce of energy she had to fight against what it was doing to her. I still don’t understand why she had a sixteen and half year battle with Cancer and at the moment, I certainly don’t cherish her death but I do cherish the idea that she is no longer in pain and can now rest. I’m not sure if Mum feared death, but was more reluctant to leave knowing that she was going to miss elements of life that hadn’t yet occurred.

The most powerful piece about this quote are those within the last clause; “it helps build our character and makes us stronger if we can endure its painful aftermath.”  I’ve never read such an understatement. When people ask the inevitable question, “How are you?”, I want to answer along the lines of: decimated, destroyed, broken-hearted, lost, on edge and emotionally drained. Instead I answer –

“How do you feel?”
“Fine.”
“Fine? You know what fine stands for, don´t you?”
“Yeah, unfortunately.”
“Freaked-out, insecure, neurotic and emotional.”

All of the above, and I don’t know if or when it’s going to stop…

I wanted to add this quote in, purely to disprove it in my experience. I’m not going into this fight alone in the slightest. Unfortunately, it’s taken losing Mum to bring my brother, father and myself closer together. But it’s not only family supporting me – my husband has been amazing and he’s giving up the booze to raise money for one of the greatest charities who helped Mum throughout her treatment – sponsor him here if you have any spare pennies!

“But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of going in to every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone.” 
― Mitch AlbomFor One More Day

I’m not going into any fight alone – I’m surrounded by family, friends and work colleagues. But sometimes, all I want is her and it’s still a struggle to realise that that’s something that won’t happen anytime soon.

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