It’s been awhile,

since I could hold my head up high.

And it’s been awhile

Since I first saw you.

And it’s been awhile,

Since I could stand on my own two feet again.

And it’s been awhile,

Since I could call you.

Staind – It’s been awhile 

I must admit this is one of the worst blog posts I’ve ever thought about writing. Part of me thinks it might be because I’ve been by myself this weekend to actually have time to think.

I feel bad that I had to check it’s 127 days today since Mum passed. The Countdown app on my phone reminds me as it tells me I’ve been married 166 days. The contrast of one of the happiest days of my life compared to the worst I’ve ever felt.

In a flashback to my taste in music circa my first year of sixth form. The lyrics from Staind have never seemed so true. I have little or no confidence in myself or my abilities; therefore failing my aim to hold my head up high. I spend a lot of my time looking at photos, videos and memories of her. I’m really not sure I am managing to stand on my own two feet again. I’m back at work and functioning Monday to Friday. The weekends are the hardest because I have time to stop, time to think and time to remember. I’ve resisted the urge to call my Mum’s phone. I don’t know if the contract has been re-registered or what.

A week ago, I finally got a wellbeing assessment that I requested before Christmas. I officially have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I now begin the wait for therapy. I’ve reassuringly been told there is only 21 people in front of me compared to the 76 on the other therapy that’s an option. I know to some – on the outside I’m fine and dont get me wrong I have good days where I feel like I used to but on others, the option of hiding away is much more appealing than the outside world. I’m so thankful for Mr M’s unfaltering support and love because without him, I’m really not sure that on some days I’d get up and see the world.

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